I booted up Skype for an interview with one of my best friends from college, Kerri "Keeper of a Thousand Swords and Threats" Lines. She lives in New York--at least that's what she claimed was the reason for needing to interview over Skype rather than in person. Body odor is still a strong contender, though. I won't tell you whether mine or hers is the problem.
Kerri didn't greet me with words. She held up some wine, I held up a glass of vodka.
Colin: I think it is best to start with the easy questions.
She gives me a disappointed look over the rim of her wine. I try to ignore it.
Colin: What is your favorite game?
Kerri: Probably Settlers of Catan.
Colin: Why is that?
Kerri: I win a lot at it. Because I know how to build the longest road. The secret is not to focus on the army-- wait I shouldn't tell you my secrets. You should focus on the army.
It was my turn to giver her a disappointed look over the rim of my vodka.
Kerri: But really I've never had a bad time playing it, it's always a good time-- it's one of the first games I got into so it's a nostalgia thing.
Colin: So Settlers of Catan was your first ever boardgame?
Kerri: That might not be true. [Settlers of Catan] might not be the first one. Dominion came first. But my brother played [Settlers of Catan] at his job one day and came home raving. Then we bought it and played it-- so Settlers might not have been first but it was most memorable.
Kerri would later want it to be known after the fact that Candyland most likely came first, but she took my question to mean "boardgame not designed for and played by small children".
Colin: Let's switch it up-- what games haven't you enjoyed?
Kerri: That one we played that time in D.C. where I fell asleep on the couch.
Colin: That was Descent: Journeys in the Dark. One of my favorites.
Kerri: That one. Didn't like that one.
Colin: And why was that?
Kerri: I feel like there was a lot of keeping track of stuff and-- I dunno maybe I was sleep. I was just not a fan of that one.
I have, on occasion, what might in a certain light be called "journalistic instinct-- Kerri was holding back and I, like some sparrow-hawk of truth, was going to peck it out of her.
Colin: When I interviewed my mother, one of the sticking points seemed to be art and theme.
See how clever I am? I am so clever. I am the cleverest.
Kerri: Okay I am with her on that one, I also do not like the box art.
Colin: So are there any others like Descent that you haven't liked or haven't really clicked with you?
Kerri: Not that I know, not that I remember. You brought like 60 games last time you were here. I don't think there were others, I'm usually willing to give any of them a try.
My journalistic instinct was at that point distracted by the need to refill vodka. We were out of tonic. It isn't easy being a reporter, sometimes. Kerri held up a translucent pink cup that resembled a wineglass for alcoholic children.
Kerri: Do you like my class wineglass?
Colin: Is that plastic?
Kerri: It's shatterproof, so yeah.
I am reporter par excellence.
Colin: Do you buy games for yourself?
Kerri: Not so much since I live in the same house with my brother-- and he is the primary person who buys games. I haven't bought a game in awhile. If I need to get a gift for my brother I can get him a game and it's a gift for me too! "Does [my boyfriend] need a present?, and I also am getting a game I'll be playing too. I do that a lot.
Colin So you're not looking specifically for games for yourself, but is there some element you enjoy? Like a mechanic, or a social aspect to a game?
Kerri: Obviously the social atmosphere, I mean. but I also love games where I can be, like shady, with a hidden element-- I'm so good at lying! I mean what's more fun than stabbing your friends in the back?
The vodka helps blunt my mounting fear. She nearly whispers, eyes hooded and conspiratorial.
Kerri: I'm a good person. So yeah, I like that. If there's a traitor or a bad guy. I like that. I wanna be that. I want everyone to say "oh she's so cute and innocent", and then I kill them seven times.
Colin: This interview just got dark.
Kerri: No, nothing, nevermind. Puppies!
I wonder idly how long it takes to fill out a police report, while trying to steer the conversation back to games.
Colin: So when you say "hidden or traitor aspect", that's touching on two major kinds of game elements-- something that is socially focused and also competitive. Is that what appeals to you?
Kerri: A traitor keeps everyone on their toes and if that traitor can be me it's even better.
This interview will probably get read to a jury, I decide. Prefaced by "Exhibit A". Kerr's name may be substituted for "The Defendant" or "The accused".
Kerri: I need a refill soon and we just started. I've got a box of red and white.
Colin: Super fancy.
Kerri: It's not Franzia though, we get the good stuff.
Colin: To be clear when you say "the good stuff"--
Kerri: It comes in a box, yes.
Colin: So I guess when we talk about your love of the hidden or traitor element, I immediately recall playing Werewolf with you in college, and you just brutally manipulating everyone. I figured out your tell, though.
Kerri: My ears turn red when I lie. I mean I wear my hair down now so we're fine. I'm fine.
Colin: Have you ever been to a local gaming store? When you buy things I know you do it mostly online.
Kerri: No I don't think I have--No, actually--Oh wait totally, no I have. When [my boyfriend] and I went away for my birthday we went in the middle of nowhere Massachusetts. We went into a game store there and stopped from buying every Dominion expansion ever. There was a tournament going on. Lots of little figurines. Do you have those?
My poorly hidden shame is an unhealthy love of miniatures. Kerri's grin is like a hungry shark that's flopped into a Florida buffet just as they're setting out the tuna salad.
Kerri: They're behind you aren't they, in the corner.
I desperately try to deflect.
Colin: So you really don't have much first hand experience with gaming store culture or anything.
Kerri: We don't have a local game store here. We have a local comic store that maybe has games, but I got Pokemon cards when I was younger and that was where I got them. Maybe they have games now, maybe it's a crack store now who knows.
Colin: Would a gaming store appeal to you-- like playing with strangers does that appeal to you?
Kerri: I have this weird thing. I don't like learning new games--ask [my boyfriend]--I don't like it. I'm bad at it I get angry. I just get grumpy! I don't know why, something about learning-- I don't know why. so if I just went to a new place and like played a game with strangers... I would hate it, they would hate it. I also think people who go to game stores are really good at games-- I think I'm good at Catan but maybe I'm actually not good so it scares me! I don't wanna lose!
Colin: Does gaming occupy a kind of isolated part of your life, or have some skills and stuff tendriled out into other parts of your life? Like math or--
Kerri: It isn't isolated but I've never thought about it. I'm organized and when I strageize-- I don't know I've never thought about it. I wish I was better at math because of gaming but I'm not.
Things had reached a tipping point-- buy which I mean I accidentally tipped too much vodka into my vodka-tonic. I also forgot to add more tonic. Or rather, to add tonic at all.
Kerri: I saw that happening. That's why my cup you can see-- and I've got the fruit. I've got peaches and grapes in there so really it's nutritious. That's what I'm saying. I don't have a problem. This is 98% about wine and 2% about boardgames but that's my life. I wish I had a t-shirt that said that.
Colin: I don't actually need to interview you, I can just let you keep talking.
Kerri: Ask questions! Boardgames!
Colin: Well, I know me and [your boyfriend] briefly tried to get you into Dungeons & Dragons-- why don't you tell me a little about your experience with RPG's?
Kerri: I was actually thinking 'cause I figured you'd ask me this. I was thinking of the first time you introduced me to a round-- match-- what do you call a-- I don't know what you call it. a round. We'll call it a round. We were in college, we were in Max and Greg's room. I had to read an entire book that night and hadn't started and had to read the whole thing by next morning. So I sat in there and read the whole book and chimed in-- I thought I was being really funny but no one else did. That was my first experience. Memories.
Colin: I remember that game. Max set it up. It fell apart quickly-- one of the weirder sessions I've ever played in.
Kerri: Sessions!
Colin: It was odd.
Kerri: Not because a girl was sitting there reading the entire life of Frederick Douglas?
Colin: No, it was just a mess-- I forget who was running the session buy they didn't want to and didn't know the rules.
Kerri: I liked that it was socially acceptable to just stab things. If that's what I wanted to do-- it might not be the best choice but we're gonna do it. One day I might just snap in real life and just do it.
Colin: I'm super glad I'm documenting this.
Kerri: Joking!
Colin: No you aren't.
Kerri: Sweet and innocent.
Colin: Try again.
Colin Valkenet has not been seen for several weeks. If you or anyone you know has information regarding his location or well-being, please contact the Missing Person's Hotline immediately. Colin is survived by his D&D miniatures, who were not available for comment.
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